FLORIDB PROFILE: STOAH NERLING

“No,”

Stoah Nerling answers.

“It didn’t hurt when I fell from heaven.”

Stoah Nerling came to Floridb Ultimate the same way he has arrived anywhere in his life: with the top two buttons of his shirt undone.

“No shirt can contain this body,”

Stoah explained.

“And no lady can contain themselves around it, either.”

In every picture, especially on Tinder, Nerling is sure to include more than one person so that ladies viewing it never know which is actually him. He calls it his “mystique,” which is coincidentally the name of the exotic dancer who homeschooled him for grades six through nine.

On the field, opposing teams are uncertain if Stoah’s right-handed or left-handed, or which player in particular we are referring to in the first place.

“He’s elusive and dangerous, like a jack rabbit with something to prove,”

said the girl at Nerling’s party who refused to give up the aux chord even though she thinks Chance the Rapper sings “X Gon’ Give It To Ya.”

“He also tells way too many inside jokes in front of people who wouldn’t understand them.”

If there’s one thing you can count on Stoah for, it’s hustle and sick layout D’s. If there’s one thing you know you’ll never see from Nerling, it’s hustle and sick layout D’s.

“I’ll let you figure that one out,”

said the genius responsible for all of this.

“But interpret it how you’d like.”

Stoah Nerling plans to live out his days doing whatever it takes to work hard and party harder.

“I already been to heaven”

he said.

“I don’t have plans on returning.”

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